----------------------------------------------------- AUGUST 17, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------- Source: SmartMoney.com Time for Tech Aid By Robert Hunter AUGUST IS A great month. Weenie roasts, hot-air balloon rides, the Society for Creative Anachronism's annual Pennsic War festival — it's got it all. But for stock market columnists, August can be awfully boring. Most corporate fat cats, it seems, have collected their trophy wives, packed up their Aston Martins and headed for the coast. As a result, few events of consequence have taken place lately. I know, Enron (NYSE:ENE - news) Chief Executive Jeffrey Skilling stepped down, Ford (NYSE:F - news) cut its earnings guidance and Ciena's (NASDAQ:CIEN - news) profit margin slipped. Woopdy-doo. The biggest story, it seems to me, is that, despite the dearth of real news lately, the Nasdaq has slouched to a four-month low. Since there wasn't much else for me to do this week, I started thinking of ways to fix this nasty situation. After hours of intense thought and foolish amounts of caffeine, I think I've come up with the perfect solution: Tech Aid. Remember Live Aid and Farm Aid? Those events were designed to help people who were really struggling, right? (Namely, East Africans with no money or food, and Midwestern Americans with no money and too muchfood.) Well here's the thing: Because of the Nasdaq's 18-month tailspin, lots of other Americans are hurting these days, too — far more, in fact, than the nation's 375 remaining farmers. Besides the unfortunate people with 401(k)s who just realized for the first time that stocks can actually lose value, consider proud industrialists like Michael Saylor of MicroStrategy (NASDAQ:MSTR - news). This poor guy has actually had to postpone construction of his 30,000-square-foot Northern Virginia villa because his personal fortune has plummeted. I don't know about you, but I can't sleep another night knowing how people like him are suffering. That's where Tech Aid comes in. I propose that we hold a huge benefit concert in San Francisco's 3Com (NASDAQ:COMS - news) Park to help struggling technology companies. The money raised would go directly to their earnings, in quarterly increments, until the economy turns the corner. Those improved earnings would quickly translate into rising share prices. In fact, the more money Tech Aid raises, the more our portfolios would soar. Everyone wins. Bono, naturally, would serve as Tech Aid organizer. Of course, it might be tough to convince some people to send money, given all the scorn out there for the New Economy these days. So I've planned for multiple revenue streams. First, there would be pay-per-view receipts. I'd charge something like $100 per household for the daylong concert, and I'd convince Steve Case and Gerald Levin over at AOL Time Warner (NYSE:AOL - news) to promote the heck out of it for free on Time Warner cable, America Online, People magazine and the like. Next, I'd charge a king's ransom for corporate sponsorships. If SpaghettiOs wants to be the official canned pasta of Tech Aid, it'll cost Franco American plenty. I'd also charge the fans at 3COM Park a ton. I'm thinking $200 for the day — which, multiplied by 50,000, adds up to $10 million. And I'd soak them on stadium concessions. Still, the lion's share of proceeds would have to come from caring citizens all over the world. The best way to convince them to cough up, I think, would be to let CEOs make their pleas directly. Oh, and we'd need Sally Struthers. Maybe we could have her stand on stage and weep during the entire show. That shouldn't be too hard to arrange, given all the free time she has these days. Since Bono would be involved, we'd probably have our choice of musical talent. But I'd suggest we follow the Farm Aid formula and stick to artists who are relevant to the culture we're celebrating. In this case, we'd choose acts that demonstrate a love of technology. Also, science fiction and sorcery, since the vast majority of employees at technology companies dig that stuff. Here's how I'd schedule things. 3:30 p.m.: Introduction by Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT - news) CEO Steve Ballmer.  4:00 p.m.: King Crimson, performing songs from ``Larks' Tongues In Aspic.'' 5:00 p.m.: Corporate plea: Cisco Systems (NASDAQ:CSCO - news) CEO John Chambers, on the trouble with profit predictions. 5:15 p.m.: Emerson, Lake and Palmer, performing songs from ``Tarkus'' and ``Brain Salad Surgery.'' 6:15 p.m.: Corporate plea: Lucent Technologies (NYSE:LU - news) CEO Henry Schacht, on protecting technological secrets from the Chinese. 6:30 p.m.: The Enid, performing songs from ``In the Region of Summer Stars.'' (For the uninitiated, this is a loose concept album based on tarot cards. It's huge at the Pennsic War fest!) 7:30 p.m.: Corporate plea: Former Priceline.com (NASDAQ:PCLN - news) CEO Jay Walker, on what it's like to watch your category-killing Internet powerhouse become a third-tier travel site. 7:45 p.m.: Styx, performing songs from ``Mr. Roboto.'' 8:45 p.m.: Public reconciliation: Bill Gates and Oracle (NASDAQ:ORCL - news) CEO Larry Ellison. A dramatic handshake, and perhaps a tickle fight. 9:00 p.m.: Neil Young, performing songs from ``Trans.'' (FYI: Neil released this industrial/electronica record back in '83; it included the song ``Computer Cowboy.'') 10:00 p.m.: Corporate plea: Nortel Networks (NYSE:NT - news) CEO John Roth, on what it's like to have all Canadians blame you for ruining their financial lives. 10:15 p.m.: Rush, a Canadian band, performing songs from ``Test For Echo.'' 11:15 p.m.: Financial Update: Morgan Stanley (NYSE:MWD - news) Internet analyst Mary Meeker, on Tech Aid's donations thus far, its ``eyeball'' tally, and final revenue projections. 11:30 p.m.: U2, performing songs from ``All That You Can't Leave Behind.'' (Bono organized the thing, after all.) 12:30 p.m.: Corporate plea: Amazon.com (NASDAQ:AMZN - news) CEO Jeffrey Bezos, on the injustice of it all. 12:45 p.m.: Grand finale: Group hug, and a synthesizer-heavy performance of ``Like A Rolling Stone.'' If you think this is a good idea, and you know Bono, please pass this along. I can't imagine anyone turning down an opportunity to be involved in something like this. Also, do any of you know how I can get in touch with the rock band Yes? Close Window YesInThePress.com For site comments, problems, corrections, or additions, contact YesinthePress@aol.com